A quick note from the publisher of the Transylvania Times:
As most of you know, the recent Transylvania elections were a dustbath for the ruling Vampire Party, a massive repudiation of blood-sucking and a tectonic victory for the progressive Stake-to-the-Heart-of-the-Undead Party.
The Garlic Wave, as many are calling it, suggests Transylvania voters are tired of longstanding traditions like only coming out when it’s dark, fearing crucifixes and feasting on the blood of a terror-stricken populace.
We here at the Transylvania Times have always strived for fairness and balance in our coverage. For example, when the Vampire Party came to power in the 15th Century, we went to abandoned castles and cemeteries across the nation and interviewed vampires inside and outside of their coffins, helping Transylvania humans better understand the revenant bloodsuckers.
Lucian Von Hellington, publisher of the Transylvania Times.
And now that the human Stake-to-the-Heart-of-the-Undead Party is ascendant, we will spread out and interview vampires, in caves and at late-night rural Transylvanian diners, so humans can again better understand the soulless creatures who routinely feast on their children.
We assure our readers this has nothing to do with the vampiric ownership of the Transylvania Times. This is just good, solid journalism, the kind in which you focus on and build empathy for one side if they win, and then do exactly the same for that side if they lose.
What matters most, dear readers, is that you recognize the vampires who live among us are human too, albeit not really, as they are reanimated corpses and nocturnal predators who subsist on the life essence of the living. But still, it’s important to understand where they’re coming from — usually a crypt — and why they are biting your neck and killing you.
We have heard from some readers asking why we aren’t dispatching reporters to speak with members of the can-see-themselves-in-mirrors community about how they fought for years to get their candidates elected. And questions have come in regarding our failure to cover the obvious majority of Transylvanians who now oppose undead demons of the night.
We must find common ground with our vampire friends.
We believe those questions are answered by the stories we produce each day, stories that range from “How vampires are handling the sadness and hurt feelings of a tragic sweeping election loss” to “What voters missed about the importance of vampires” to “Proud vampires respond cordially to election losses, politely guarantee Transylvania will be ‘painted red with the blood of human scum.’”
While we always appreciate feedback from our human scum readers, we stand by our reporting and believe we continue to provide the most complete and fair coverage in all of Transylvania.
Thank you, and Hail Satan.
