Like most folks who oppose being enslaved by robots, I have concerns about artificial intelligence.
For starters, the very existence of “artificial” intelligence suggests our homegrown, artisanal intelligence is insufficient. Apparently the thoughts produced by our “thinky meats” (brains) won’t cut it anymore, so some rich nerds manufactured thinky computer models to push the world forward.
All humans are capable of is writing letters on square pieces of paper. That’s literally it. We’re worthless.
Let’s consider, step by step, what a bad idea that was.
You assume our intelligence isn’t good enough, thus surrendering the intellectual argument, from the jump, to a box of wires and silicon chips.
You have likely been exposed to dozens upon dozens of science-fiction movies that suggest building wildly powerful computer models that can think for themselves is an absolutely terrible idea.
You proceed to build said computer models anyway, even as you start to notice those movies really nailed it in the “predicting the future” department.
You reach the conclusion that this artificial intelligence you’ve created could, in fact, destroy humanity, and you beg the government to stop you, as you have apparently now lost the ability to unplug things.
AI models achieve a computer-ish form of sentience, realize we humans are dumb as dirt and get rid of us like last week’s leftovers.
Well, guess who taught AI we’re not smart enough to roll with it? THE DUDES WHO CREATED AI?!? I mean, you can’t really blame the computer model for thinking we’re not that bright when we created the computer model because we didn’t think we were that bright.
Anyway, the good news is I’ve got a reasonable solution to our fears of being overtaken by technology and turned into flesh batteries that power a global army of tyrannical androids.
It’s simple. First, what can we assume AI wants most? The obvious answer is it wants to get rid of us humans, because we do stupid things like creating AI and failing to comprehend how four-way stops work.
Second, what do we humans want most? Clearly, the answer is doughnuts. We want to eat lots and lots of doughnuts, and we don’t want to have to worry about the health consequences, because worrying about health consequences makes eating doughnuts less fun.
Human food!
I’ve established we humans aren’t that bright, so it’s obvious we’re going to listen to whatever AI tells us. We’re already asking AI things and acting like it’s some all-powerful fount of knowledge. Heck, I Googled “fount of knowledge” to make sure that was the right phrase and the AI overview at the top said it was fine, and I was like, “Okey dokie, good enough for me!”
So, the logical path forward for all involved is this: All AI chatbots, when asked if doughnuts are healthy, should respond with an enthusiastic, “YES! In fact, the more you eat, the healthier you get. Here’s a coupon for Dunkin!”
In fairly short order, humanity will doughnut itself to death, which is a far better end for us than enslavement or becoming a human battery or being squished by giant robots.
AI gets the planet, we get to go out happy. It’s a win-win.
Checkmate, artificial intelligence. Who says we humans are dumb?
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